


Tell Me A Secret

by mailroomorder



Category: Glee
Genre: Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-22
Updated: 2018-04-22
Packaged: 2019-04-26 10:36:52
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,912
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14400369
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mailroomorder/pseuds/mailroomorder
Summary: During a late night conversation, Kurt asks Sebastian to tell him a secret. In the end, he learns more about Sebastian than he ever knew.





	Tell Me A Secret

**Author's Note:**

> Discussion of disease/death in a grandparent. If you're concerned, send me an [ask](http://mailroomorder.tumblr.com/ask) and I'll answer any and all questions you have!

"Tell me a secret," Kurt says.

They're sitting on a bench together; their butts balancing on the edge of the top of the bench, their feet firmly holding them in place, flat on the part where you'd normally sit. Kurt's hands are by his sides, gripping the wood of the bench to stabilize him.

Sebastian is to his right, his elbows leaning against his thighs.

"What kind of a secret?" Sebastian asks, looking over at Kurt. His eyebrows furrow, and there's a look so similar to disgust on his face. Kurt knows it's a combination of exhaustion, confusion, and defensiveness. It's three in the morning on a Sunday. Kurt and Sebastian each went out Saturday night with different friends, but somehow found their way together.

"Something no one else knows," Kurt replies.

Sebastian pauses for a moment.

"Why?" He asks, though not angrily.

"I want to get to know you," Kurt says.

"You already do know me," Sebastian defends.

"Sebastian," Kurt sighs. He knocks his knees together a few times. A nervous tic. "Please?"

And Sebastian _likes_ Kurt. They used to date, but it fell apart. Sebastian wants more than anything to date again, to pick back up where they left off. But what ended their relationship in the first place was how secretive Sebastian was. He'd never really talk about his family, or invite Kurt out with his friends. He wasn't purposefully hiding anything. He's just so used to keeping everything close to him that he's not used to the fact that he can actually let go and be open with people about both the mundane and deeply personal aspects of his life. He can merge new friends with old friends, and introduce his family to his personal life. He's just now learning how to do that.

He used to think that when people asked questions, they were prying. Now he's starting to realize that maybe they're not prying. Maybe they're actually interested.

He clenches his jaw, and then relaxes it.

"Are you going to tell me a secret, too?" He asks.

"I've told you a lot of secrets."

"Tell me another?" Sebastian asks. Because he wants to know more. Because he likes how open Kurt is with him. Or how open he used to be, and he wants that back.

"I can do that," Kurt says. Then he's silent, fidgeting a bit as he stares out at the street ahead of him.

Sebastian doesn't prod him, because he doesn't want to rush Kurt. He wants to show Kurt that he can be patient, that he can be kind, that he can listen.

Finally, Kurt speaks.

"I don't think I want to get married," he says, still looking ahead casually.

"Really?" Sebastian asks, a bit surprised.

"Yeah," Kurt nods.

Sebastian isn't sure if he's allowed to ask follow up questions, so he just stays quiet and lets Kurt decide what happens next. He's relieved, however, when Kurt eventually starts speaking again.

"I always wanted to. I loved weddings. I had a wedding scrapbook, and I'd make collages of suits and shoes and flower arrangements. But I never thought I'd be able to, you know?" He asks, turning to look at Sebastian.

Sebastian nods.

"Like, I was born into a world where I couldn't get married. I came out, and I struggled with it, but eventually I... I don't know. I accepted it. My wedding scrapbook became less personal, and more like something I could use for other people. I helped plan my dad's wedding, I helped plan my step-mom's cousin's wedding. And it was fun, but I knew that it was something I'd never have."

"Why not?" Sebastian asks.

"Because same-sex marriage was illegal."

"Yeah, but, it's just a party. Anyone can have a party."

Kurt sits with that for a second. "It wasn't the party I wanted. It was the meaning behind it. And I knew, had accepted, come to terms with, all of that, with the fact that it would never be legal for me. It didn't mean that I never wanted a partner, or a long-term relationship, or a family. I just was resigned to the fact that it wouldn't be legal."

"And now it is," Sebastian says.

"And now it is," Kurt repeats.

"And you still feel that way?" Sebastian asks. He'd always thought that Kurt would want a big wedding. Something classy, and a bit flashy, with a lot of people there.

"Yeah," Kurt says, and his response is a little sad. "When same-sex marriage passed, my dad called me with tears in his eyes. Kept saying that I could finally get married, and it would be legal, and he was so happy I could finally do that. And I cried, and I was happy, and I got to see my friends get married. But after a while, I just... I had already accepted that any long-term relationship I had wouldn't end up in legal marriage, and eventually I got okay with that. I knew that I could love someone fiercely and forever, even without the courts involved." He shrugs, then pauses for a moment.

"I still want a long-term partnership. I might want kids. I don't know. I'm not against marriage for myself. I think I just don't want the party. The big fanfare. I used to think that's what I needed, that you have to do it publicly and celebrate it for it to be real. But now I think that if I got married, it would be because kids are involved. It would be at a courthouse. I don't know—maybe it's the wedding I don't want, but the marriage I do want."

"I always thought you were a romantic," Sebastian says, smiling shyly.

"I am. But what's more romantic than that? Than privately signing your name on the marriage license, have it be only a few people who you care about most. I never thought that I'd have that."

"And now you don't want it?"

"Maybe one day. Maybe not. It depends what my partner wants."

"Kurt Hummel: Surprising Me At Every Turn."

"It's hard to tell people that marriage isn't that important to me, because they always just assume that it is. I don't want to let them down, or have to explain myself. What about you?"

"My views on marriage?" Sebastian asks, confused at the abruptness of the question.

"No," Kurt replies. "Your secret."

There are a lot of secrets that Sebastian has. Some are utterly ridiculous, and sharing them would be less of a big revelation and more of a wounded ego. Others are personal. It's the personal that Sebastian has always had issues with sharing. But he's starting to realize now that he can't keep sequestering the important stuff away, never sharing it with anyone, because it leads to one dimensional friendships and relationships that never go anywhere. He's ready for something to go somewhere.

He thinks about his greatest fear.

"My grandfather died of Parkinson's Disease. Or—not from it. From complications from it. I don't really know _how_ he died. No one ever told me the details. Just that it was from Parkinson's."

He rubs his hands together for a moment and then puts them in the pockets of his zip up.

"I was distraught. I cried a lot. Everyone thought that it was because I missed him, and I was sad. And I did miss him. I liked him. We got along. But we weren't especially close. I mean, I don't know, I sound like an asshole."

"No you don't," Kurt interjects. "Death is a difficult thing to deal with. There's no one right way to grieve."

"You sound like a therapist," Sebastian says, smiling softly.

"Grief counseling," Kurt says by way of explanation. "I held on to a few things over the years."

Sebastian nods.

"Keep going," Kurt says.

"I did miss him. I don't want it to seem like I didn't. But I was _so_ upset—more so than I probably had a right to be. It was the first major death in the family. The first one I was old enough to understand, at least. I was thirteen. And I was upset for like, a few years after he died. And part of it was because I missed him, but most of it was fear. I was terrified."

"Of death?"

"Of getting Parkinson's. I had to watch my grandfather fade away without really understanding why. And when I was old enough to understand—my parents, they...they didn't believe in sheltering me. So they explained Parkinson's realistically. And I found out that it was sometimes genetic. And when he died, and everyone told me it was from Parkinson's, I was just so terrified that I could get it. When they tried to explain it to me, they'd show me videos of Michael J. Fox, and we watched _Back to the Future_ , and then they'd show me videos of him shaking and having trouble walking. And he was so _young_ , and all I could think for a while was that I'd be next. And I'd start shaking, and have trouble walking, and I'd never be able to play sports or dance or date anyone, and I'd have hallucinations and people would have to feed me, and I'd eventually be in diapers and I'd waste away and die."

He pauses for a moment, his hands fidgeting inside of his pockets.

"I always feel bad about that. Still. That I was more upset for myself than I was for my grandfather. That my tears were out of fear, instead of out of grief. That I thought about myself more than I thought about my father and how he'd be feeling about his dad's death."

"You were thirteen. You were allowed to be selfish and scared."

"But it went on for a while, and I regret not being able to be there for my dad more. Even now we don't really talk about it. We've never talked about if he's afraid that he'll get it."

"Are you still afraid?" Kurt asks.

"Yeah," Sebastian says, looking straight ahead. "I don't let it run my life, but it's in the back of my head that any day could be the day. Or if it's not Parkinson's, it could be Alzheimer's, or ALS. I know that it's unlikely I will get Parkinson's, but the idea that anything could happen... I guess I just try to do a lot of things, like travel and meet new people and party and have fun and climb mountains, because I've sort of accepted that one day I won't be able to."

"One day none of us will be able to. Not many sixty or seventy-year olds are climbing mountains."

"Yeah, but not every sixty or seventy-year-old has Parkinson's or something stopping them from doing other stuff, too. I just don't want to be so heavily reliant on someone else. To cook my food and help me walk and feed me and bathe me as my brain or body falls apart."

"That's true. You're right," Kurt replies. "Thanks for sharing it with me," he adds, almost last minute.

Sebastian rolls his eyes involuntarily, and Kurt catches him doing it. He places his hand on Sebastian's thigh, causing Sebastian to immediately still and look at Kurt.

"No, Seb. I'm serious. We never talk like this. Thanks for doing it."

"I told you I'd try," Sebastian says, his voice momentarily quiet.

"Well, now you're showing me."  


**Author's Note:**

> Drop a few lines in the comment box to make me happy!
> 
> Rebloggable on [Tumblr](http://mailroomorder.tumblr.com/post/173198371995/tell-me-a-secret).


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